Understanding Domestic Violence

The Battered Women of Faith: Reality vs Myth

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Do you wonder why church leaders or members don’t help the 1 in 4 abused women of faith in their congregations? Here are 4 possible reasons.

Myth One: She’s weak.

Predators are drawn to idealistic, strong and caring women. The church can be a field day for them to find potential victims. Believing women want to help others, relieve distress, give (too many) chances, and share their resources.

Rather than being weak, the Christian woman’s ideal of forbearance or perseverance will keep her trying to figure out how to change herself or help her abuser.

Those who criticize her for these strengths are not taking into consideration that these are the very traits she has been raised to display and are overlooking the fact that the church does not support her being any other way. Instead they are more likely to tell her to repent.

Myth Two: She’s Unintelligent

A mature faith is not blind but too much reasoning and questioning is not encouraged in some dogmatic churches. Indeed, believers are urged to “lean not unto your own understanding” (Prov. 3:5) or “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways  my ways, says the Lord.” (Is. 55:8) 

Abusers or controlling church leaders are quick to discourage a woman from questioning. Indeed the above verses can be used to discourage her from questioning her husband or pastor.

A woman has to defy what she is conditioned to do in many churches. She has to question, trust her intuition and inner voice, and grow in her faith in spite of resistance from members or leaders as well as her abusive husband.

Myth Three: She just needs to be a better Christian wife.

Domestic violence is not a marital problem. It cannot be healed with marital counseling. It is the deliberate subjugation of a person to mistreatment by a narcissist. He only uses God, faith or the Bible because he knows it’s important to his victim. It’s another tool. He is not trying to follow any of the faith demands he is screaming at his wife to follow.

Pastors who are more concerned about saving the marriage or advocating for the husband  more than the safety of the woman are playing the predator’s game. The doctrine of wifely submission will be used against her in counseling sessions.

Domestic violence may occur within a marriage but it is not about the marriage.  The woman is a hostage in her home. 

 Domestic violence is a man’s problem. Any other approach that focuses on her changing misses the mark. She has not failed in her marriage. In fact she is probably overdoing in trying to comply with unreasonable demands that dismiss her as worthy of the most basic humane consideration.

Myth Four: She can always leave.

Churches who are afraid to allow for divorce are more  interested  in their church’s reputation than solving this problem.  They have painted themselves into a corner because divorce is often the only reasonable action.

Going no contact with an abuser is necessary since he interprets any contact as an opening for mistreatment. This is an identifiable diagnosis – Narcissistic Personality Disorder – and the Bible is not an adequate one-size-fits-all solution in these cases.

Members who continue the conspiracy of silence, shun the woman, or want to enforce Bible study and  repentance are only re-traumatizing the abused.

Those who ask why she doesn’t leave are the very ones who will not help her. Understandably they do not want to bring violence into their own homes. But there are many ways to support women short of  taking her in.

Redemption from Biblical Battering: Your Path to Faith-Based Freedom is one of those ways. Using it or similar resources to guide a small group study or having it on hand to give to distressed women is an effective way to open and continue a conversation to help. Holding men in the church accountable is also a first step.

Another way is to refer the suffering woman to Suzanna’s Sisters, a secure Facebook group where women can communicate with licensed counselors who understand  religious domestic abuse or survivors who have been where they are for support. Contact the author for access or to schedule a presentation or training.

Easter and Domestic Abuse

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One of the most important ways in which my faith matured in the course of escaping domestic abuse in the name of God was the application of eternal life to the situation.

The way that the Bible and faith concepts were hurled against me was contrary to Jesus’ message and example, his demonstration that believers had the power of life over death.

They enforced a view of me and women generally as second- class souls. We were believing Christians, but the promise of the redemption and resurrection were somehow not fully ours.

Instead we had to keep earning our right to be treated with dignity, respect, and hardly ever the love we had been promised both in our vows and in the gospel.

The idea that my husband, a minister, was my Lord standing over me as head between me and Christ was scarcely different in the fundamentalist view than in the Catholic one in which I had been raised. The only difference was that instead of the priest between me and God, my husband was granted the responsibility.

This was one of the teachings I had left the Catholic faith over, citing the teaching to call no man Father.

Yet here I was being told that I must obey my husband who was a proxy for Christ  in our marriage.

But he certainly wasn’t acting like Christ. In fact there were many nonbelievers who had better marriages that we did.

Finally after years of begging, pleading, turning myself inside out to please, asking God in prayer for answers, I changed my prayer.

Instead of asking to change me so he would stop the abuse, I prayed to either change him or get me out of there.

The answer came. I was to leave because Christ did not die for me to live like this.

My own personal resurrection. Thanks be to God.

Resiliency Skills: Denials and Affirmations, Pt. 2

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In the last post, we began to see how to develop denials and affirmations to address our core needs for strength, positive thoughts, confidence and motivation. Let’s complete this process by looking at the three traits of effective denials and affirmations.

When assertive communication or other methods have failed or when it seems I have no answer, a denial helps me maintain my peace and avoid adding any energy to the situation. I can feel how relieved I am, how secure, as I repeat this denial to myself. I may even write it. I have heard of people changing the pronoun also and repeating the statement in words or writing.

 “No attempt to reduce Shirley’s worth is effective.”

“No attempt to reduce your worth is effective.”

I also visualize myself supported and appreciated as I say or write this statement. I add no energy to the conflict. Most dramas depend on energy to operate and when the energy is not there they often move on or dissolve. But even if the other person continues to operate in this way, my experience of it will be different. The practice of denials then helps keep me in a space where I can extend positive energy without hypocrisy. It clears away my negativity so I can move on to readiness for a more positive experience.

Next, after I have created this space through the denial, I can add an affirmation:

“I am secure in my worth.” Or “We are all equally worthwhile.” or

Or “I enjoy harmonious work relationships.”

 I state the desired condition as already present.  The phrase “I am” is especially powerful. God told Moses the Divine Name: “I am that I am. Tell them ‘I Am’ sent you.” Descartes was famous for the philosophical version of this sharing of life with God. “I think; therefore I am.” We then take it further by expressing the existence in a statement. So be aware when you think or say “I am….”

It is necessary to change exactly what we think is certain based on your past experience in order to create new experiences. By that I mean, if all your life you have felt like others did not want to be your friend, that will not change as long as you operate out of the idea that no one wants to be your friend. Einstein said that the solution to a problem cannot arise from the same thinking that created the problem. We have to reprogram ourselves to create different experiences for ourselves. At first these statements may feel strange. However Jesus said if we have faith as a grain of mustard seed, that is, just a little, we can do create an outer reality.

In Twelve Step recovery programs, it is taught that we can free ourselves of resentments by praying the Resentment Prayer even when we don’t mean it. And multitudes have proven this to be true. So even if we repeat the denials or affirmations without feeling, they can work, but repeating them will create the feeling eventually. They work more powerfully when the feeling dimension is present. The researchers at HeartMath have discovered this reality. The heart has its own intelligence and can override the mental type of intelligence. When the heart and mind work together, powerful results occur. Jesus demonstrated his knowledge of this when he would ask someone if they wanted to be healed, or when he said their faith had made them well. Medical science is filled with accounts of baffling recoveries based on the conviction of the patient. And even in cases in which the patient left this earth, the truth is that they were indeed healed, because they no longer suffer in the body.

One of the joys of relating to children is their simple bypassing of the negative. Their simple faith, goodness and love are always so close to the surface that they seek to share to uplift us naturally. For example, a father came home from work exhausted, too exhausted to greet his little boy. But the little boy did not hold this against the father. Instead he came up to him and affirmed, “It’s ok, Daddy. You’re home now.” The father immediately felt comforted. This is partly what Jesus meant when he said to become as little children, open to the good without misgiving.

Affirmations state the desired experience in the language of the present moment, as it is already here. They create and express faith in the good prevailing in our lives. They are not tied to specific outcomes but to the spiritual reality we want to enjoy. If seeking a specific or outer state, we always add “this or something better”, We are not trying to control or change someone else.*  We are clear about what we want to create: peace, harmony, love, faith, kindness, patience, goodwill, well being, abundance, or other good. The power is in our words spoken from our hearts with our minds.

Remember these traits of effective denials and affirmations:

  1. They come from a deep core of your authentic concern or desire.
  2. They are repeated with the feeling desired.
  3. They are stated and visualized as occurring, already present.

* If you have concerns for loved ones, you can identify what in you is being challenged.

Resiliency Skill: Denials and Affirmations- Part One

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In this blog, we will expand on the material in Redemption from Biblical Battering. One of the tools that rebuild strength in the woman who has been attacked by an abuser is the ability to mentally develop and rehearse denials and affirmations.

Using the power of your words to create your experiences can be very satisfying and stress relieving.  More than just positive thinking, denials and affirmations are a dynamic duo in managing our perceptions and feelings toward achieving satisfaction in relationships, work and other areas. They are based on the truth that the universe is supporting us and that love prevails in assuring us our good because this is the Divine Will for our lives. They create what Jesus called “the Kingdom of God within you”. If we think about what would the evidence be that Good prevailed, that is what Jesus meant. Harmonious relationships, happiness, fulfillment, peace, love, wisdom, kindness. We can create these through the power of our heart-mind-words.

Basically as I have practiced this technique, which has a long history in truth studies around the world, the dynamic involves creating space and affirming deeply. Some of the wisdom that supports this practice includes the idea of mind, idea and expression as the creative formula for our world; as in heaven, so below; living in faith; or practicing the presence of God.  It is not wishful thinking or a Pollyanna approach; It is not self-hypnosis because you cannot convince yourself against your will. It is based on the concept that we participate in creating our good by using our power of being made in the image of God, who made the world through the Word. They emerge from an integration of mind and heart that is life producing.

Denials and affirmations work hand in hand. Denials create space or release negativity so that a more positive experience can present itself. Then affirmations build improved conditions for living, whether materially, emotionally, mentally or in other areas.

But before I create or decide upon the wording of a denial or affirmation, I have found it important to do some depth work to identify as closely as I can what is really desired. I say this because I have had the experience of receiving what I had affirmed and then realized I was not specific or accurate enough in what I had affirmed! This is not to say that it was a negative effect; just that I saw what I had missed emphasizing that would have been even better. Good, better, best. But that is fine. I learned and did not lose out, a good growth process.

Or be prepared to find out that the results you desired showed up but in ways you hadn’t anticipated. For example, I may have been affirming that the sale process proceeds in Divine Order after my bid on a house is accepted. However the realtor creates so many problems that I never buy the house. So the sale did proceed in Divine Order. I was not supposed to buy that house. I find out later that it had many problems that I would not have been able to afford. So the difficulties that arose were not obstacles, but the process working out as it was supposed to. Continue to affirm, even when it does not appear to be working.  You will either learn how to modify the affirmation or denial to be more accurate or see the good in new ways. Repeat it daily and then go about your business, not giving it any more thought. Proceed with the assurance that it is coming to be.

So the depth work, either through journaling, counseling, talking, or other processing, helps me identify the core concern or issue I am dealing with because I don’t always know. Someone once asked if it was the problem or the feelings I had about the problem that was troubling. I thought this was an astute observation, similar to the idea of wanting money or wanting what you think money will provide. Money (tangible) is desired for what people think it will secure (intangible, such as security, fun, power, freedom, etc.).

In addition to accurate identification of the concern or issue, it is important to include the feeling desired and to associate an image with the desired outcome. Imagination plays an important role in creating denials and affirmations. In fact, it seems what is in most need of healing or fulfillment is exactly what denials and affirmations work most effectively to create. In other words the things that disturb us are usually signals from our shadow selves, some area we are not in touch with and which need resolution. Denials and affirmations are powerful tools for resolving these issues because they help us experience what filling the need feels like.

 We can examine this sample denial first. Let’s say that there is a particularly difficult coworker I am dealing with. After journaling about the recurring problems, I discover that the real issue that is disturbing my peace in interacting with this person is his apparent need to one- up me in every meeting. But the deeper realization is that this goes back to one of my trigger issues from when I was growing up of feeling “less than”. It is a core issue for me.

 I create a denial that says “No attempt to reduce my worth is effective.”

In the next post, we will explore Part II of this skill that rebuilds self-worth and confidence.

New Recovery Workbook

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More awareness of gender abuse within church groups has become news recently. Doctrinal groups both reflect and shape the culture they are in.

Groups like Christian for Biblical Equality, FaithTrust Institute, and Twitter voices such as #savedfromthe silence, #defendthe sheep, #churchtoo, #emptythepews and others are witnessing that church is not always safe for women.

During Domestic Violence month, I want to point out that an estimated 25% of church women are abused in their homes. They stay longer because of wrestling with faith questions.

Although prevalence seems to be higher in conservative religions, enforcement of patriarchy as God’s will is not limited to these groups. Many books are now coming out about the struggle to maintain faith within a system that does not honor the equality of women.

However, I did not find a self-help recovery workbook to  help women sort out the complex and subtle pressures to keep them in an abusive relationship within some churches.

That is why I am happy to report that my workbook, Redemption from Biblical Battering, is now available on Amazon and Kindle. I hope you will consider it when you meet a woman of faith who thinks she must choose between her faith and her marriage.

 

Veterans of Domestic War

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     October has been chosen as a month of over 100 chances for awareness or observances. The National Holiday Calendar list could be grouped into categories of animal care, human care, food, health, ethnicity, and more.

So it is tempting to wonder if there is a hierarchy of significance. Are, say, the human causes more important than the animal ones? Famously we are aware that there are more animal shelters per population than women’s shelters. But those who are animal lovers may brush this away because humans are supposed to be able to defend themselves.

I am proposing a shift in the way we think about the issue. I am proposing that we shift the emphasis away from violated women as a group that must be advocated for by others and therefore “lower” somehow and emphasize their strengths.    

Women who have survived domestic violence are veterans, veterans of domestic wars. Many have endured the same tactics Continue reading

A Private Concentration Camp

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October is Domestic Violence Prevention month.

Many say they are tired of hearing about it. Why doesn’t she just leave?

They don’t ask why he continues to be insane.

Why does he kick the woman carrying his child to the ground?

Why he hates someone who is devoted to his happiness?

Why he refuses to take responsibility for the smallest of his behaviors?

Why churches continue to look the other way?

Or worse, tell her it’s her God given duty to take it?   cross-and-islam

Unless someone has been there, they can’t understand.

It doesn’t start out this way.

Slowly and subtly the abuser begins to build, first, invisible mental and emotional bars around his partner.

Then eventually the bars become physical. They were already real.

And that is what those on the outside don’t understand. The bars are real, even though they can’t see them.

They are the same bars built in concentration camp tactics, cults, or any form of abuse. Continue reading